Place Your Ear To My Lips. Trace These Notes With Your Fingertips.

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 21:04:24 GMT

Over the weekend.. Well, on Saturday, I went with my boyfriend and his mom to their family reunion. I really didn't want to go, but I figured it'd be nice for me to. After we left the house and started driving there I got really nervious. Once I got there, I saw soo many freaking people I didn't know! It was a little overwhelming. But once I actually started to talk to people I started having fun. I'm really glad I went. It kind of makes me feel more comfortable going to Arkansas this week.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:58:24 GMT

I don't have internet at my house anymore. My dog also chewed up my charger for my laptop. Now I can even charge my fucking laptop. It pisses me off!
I haven't wrote in here in about two months. Since then, I lost my job. It was a bad decision. I thought I liked hanging out with my friends and shit, more than going to work. It's pretty much true, but I need a job. I need money. I have a lot of shit I need to pay for. I love money too much to not be working. Tomorrow I'm going to this place in La Salle, to get a job. They said they would get me a job. I'd be making one hundred dollars a day. The only thing that sucks is that it's really long shifts. But I think I'm up for it.
Umm. I'm supposeably still moving to Arkansas with my boyfriend soon. I'm soo freaking excited! I just can wait to live with him!

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:34:06 GMT

I did something really stupid, and I sort of, kind of regret doing it.

I've been with my boyfriend, JT, for about a year and four months now.
I'm so in love; I wouldn't want to picture my life any other way.
Being in love with, JT, has been amazing. It's been the best times of my life.
Sometimes I get scared that things aren't going to work out the way I want them to.
I know his family is planing on moving to a different state this summer.
This really worries me that maybe we won't be together after that.
I truly have no idea what's going on with all of this.
I haven't really been told too much, but I hate talking/thinking about it.
Right now, if I could have anything in the world, it would be to be with him forever.
I wouldn't want a new car, money to pay my bills, a new house, or anything else.
I would just want to choose to be with JT for the rest of my life.

My family thinks I need to date more guys, but I don't see the point in that.
When I was younger, dating wasn't something I was interested in.
It wasn't until I was seventeen that I became interested in dating someone.
Truthfully, I've only had five boyfriends, including the guy I'm with now.
Don't get me wrong, I've been on a lot of first dates; more than I can count!!
I've just never been interested in taking anything further than that.
The four guys I've dated before, JT, well.. let's just say they were all mistakes.
I look back on my past, and I have no idea what I was thinking!
I've always attracted the bad-boy-meets-Adrian-Grenier type of guys.
After I broke things off with, JK, I told myself I wasn't going to date anymore.
Well, not actually anymore, just not date for a long time. Ahhaha.
When, JT, called me up, and we hung out, and after he asked me to
be his girlfriend.. I didn't have to strength to say no to that.
And I'm soo fucking glad I didn't have that kind of strength in me.
Because if I would have said no, like I told myself I should do,
I wouldn't have had the best times of my life, and be with the right guy.

I don't listen to what anyone tells me about my relationship anymore.
I've got to the point where I'm so sick of hearing all these negative things.
Nobody but me can see how I see my relationship with, JT, is right now.
I don't need to know what anyone else's opinions are. I just don't care.
But I do care about how I feel, and that's the only thing that should matter.

Of all the guys I've been with, I've lasted the longest in a relationship with, JT.
I thought six months was a long time, but this over-a-year thing is long!
I know, JT's, longest relationship was three years. I really want to beat that.

I've had this thought going on in my head that I want to be engaged.
That doesn't mean I want to get married right now, because I don't.
I've known people that have been engaged for years before that get married.
That's what I, right now, want to do. It was just make me really happy.
I am happy right now, but being engaged is a really big step that I want to take.
I wouldn't just make us boyfriend and girlfriend, it'd make us fiances.
I don't want to get engaged, because everyone else is doing it,
I want to do that because I already know who I want to spend the rest of my life with.
That might sound really crazy, but it's just something I can feel.
I know it's the right thing.

I went to the store yesterday and brought a blank card.
I had this crazy idea in my head that I was going to ask, JT, to marry me.
AHAHHAAAHAHHAHAHHA! Yeah. I'm fucking stupid right!
Well, I wrote in the card, and he read it when I went to his house.
I did have a feeling in the back of my head that I wouldn't hear what I wanted to.
And that's exactly what happened. I got turned down by it.
I can understand that just because I want something doesn't mean he does to.
And I can always understand that he doesn't want to get married now.
I really don't want to get married right now either. I want to wait.
I could wait 5 or 10 or how many ever years he wanted to wait.
I just think being engaged is different than that.
It's just a step above dating, and a step below marriage.
I think it's just making the commitment we have stronger.

I shouldn't get so upset about this, but I have.
Maybe I'm not thinking right. Maybe I should just wait.
It's just that I really don't want to wait any longer.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 14:30:22 GMT

This is not happening. This can't be true. Stop freaking out.

I don't know what's going on with my body right now.
I haven't had my period this month, and I'm not sure why.
Part of my thinks I could be pregnant, and the other part doesn't.
For some reason, I really don't think I'm pregnant.
I know it's possible, but I just don't think it could happen to me.
I feel like I have cramps, but I'm not starting my period.
I really don't know what's going on right now.
I figured if I don't start by next Friday, I'll take a test.

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 19:17:56 GMT

I finally got WOW set up last night. It took forever.
This morning, when I noticed it was done I started playing.
I really hope my boyfriend's happy that I'm playing now.
I wasn't too sure if I would like the game,
but I once I started playing I really enjoyed it.
I'm leveling up as fast as I can. I'm lvl 4 right now.

Umm. It was a few weeks ago, I brought up a certain subject to J.
I feel like since he's been playing this game he's not interested in me.
Well, that might not be true. That's just how I feel.
I go to house a few times a week for a couple hours.
Every time I go over there he's playing World of Warcraft.
I shouldn't have to be the one to tell him to stop playing.
I just feel like he should know not to play when we're together.
I feel extremely selfish that I even brought this up.
I just think there's so much time in this world to play.
I don't get to see my boyfriend that often.
It just means a lot to me, when we hang out together.
Well, hanging out when he's not wrapped up in a video game.
I know it's his favorite thing to do; I just want my time too.
I know if he came over to my house and I just sat on the
computer the whole time, he wouldn't want to stay.
I wouldn't do that, because I completely understand that.
I just hope that he listens to me, and understands where I'm coming from.
I just want to spend time with my boyfriend!

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 20:54:21 GMT

A chemical imbalance is a cause of mental illnesses.
The basic concept is that neurotransmitter imbalances
within the brain are the main causes of psychiatric conditions
and that these conditions can be improved
with medication which corrects these imbalance.
In the 1950s the monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs)
and tricyclic antidepressants were accidentally discovered
to be effective in the treatment of depression.

Individuals with depression lose chemicals like serotonin and dopamine.

In recent years, scientists have developed a novel theory of what falters
in the depressed brain. Researchers argue that the brain’s cells are
shrinking and dying. This theory has gained momentum in the past few months,
with the publication of several high profile scientific papers. The effectiveness
of medication, these scientists say, has little to do with the amount of
serotonin in the brain. Rather, the drug works because it helps heal our
neurons, allowing them to grow and thrive again.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:42:29 GMT

Every time you say my name,
a piece of me falls into place.

I have no direction in my life,
and I've never been happier.

Hold on to something good,
and don't let it go.

Be with someone who
knows what they have
when they have you.

I guess you're right. I'm afraid.
I am afraid to put my guard down.
I'm afraid that if you know who
I am, you don't feel the same.
And I'm afraid that once my
barrier is defeated,
and I'm comfortable,
you'll walk away.

Writer's Block: Priorities

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:17:54 GMT

What quality do you think is most important in a significant other?

View 501 Answers

If I had to choose one quality for my significant other,
I would want that to be honesty.

I want a guy who it honest and trustworthy.
I think it's really important in a relationship.
I want to know the truth about shit.
And that's where honesty comes in too.

Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:10:54 GMT

It all started out four days ago, on Friday.
J told me he's moving with his parents to another state this summer.
It really upset me that he didn't tell me this sooner, when he knew.
I knew that if he was moving and leaving me here, we'd break up.
I don't want to wait until the end of the summer to break up.
I'll know he's leaving and it will be harder on me.
So, I told him to break up with me. Just to get it over with.
I was so upset Friday night. I stayed up the whole night.
I couldn't sleep for anything. I didn't want our relationship to end.

The next day, I was pretty busy. I kept myself occupied.
I didn't want to have to think about my Pookie. =[
But a wedding can only last so long, and then I had to go home.
I got home and I talked to J on instant messaging.
For some dumb reason I decided to go to his house.
He actually talked me into it. I had to lie where I was going.
I was so fucking nervous. I kept shaking.
I told him that I wanted to be with him.
I wanted to know why we couldn't be together,
and if he wanted us to be together, why not do something about it.
So, he ended up asking me if I would actually move with him.
And of course my answer was, For you, yes.
So that's how everything ended that day.
I was stressed out wondering what his parents would say.
I was thinking if he really wanted me to go with.
I don't want to make plans on leaving,
and have him not really want this for us.

The next day, Sunday, he told me his mom said I could go with.
I was actually really happy. I want to be with J. No matter what it takes.
If i have to move to a different state with someone else's family,
leave my family behind in a different state to be with him,
well.. that's what it takes. I guess I have to do it.
I'm ready to make a change.
I think J and I being like this together, will bring us closer together.
And that's exactly what I want for the two of us.
So now we're back together.

Today, is going to be a really hard day for me.
I have therapy today. I have to let my grandma know what's going on.
She's not going to be happy about this.
She worries about me way too much.
But I really think she wants me to be happy at the same time.
And if she wants me to be happy, then she should be okay with this.

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 16:37:43 GMT

Help, I've done it again.
I've been here so many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is,
there's no-one else to blame.

I don't even know what to say.
I've been up all night thinking of what I could do.
I have found nothing. I don't know!
I'm soo sick of crying. I don't want to be sad anymore.
But the only person that can make me happy is J.
I've been saying I wouldn't know what to do without him.
And right now... I still have no idea.

I'm not going to cry anymore. I won't let myself.

This sucks. I'm so lost right now.

I think I have to do what I don't want to do. Move on.

I need to better myself. J was never in my way for anything.
But maybe, just maybe, now that he's not here anymore
I can work on myself and my career.
I think I can do it this time. (Even if J was still here.)
I'm going to follow M with her dream too.
It's the only way I know how to make good money right now.
This isn't even something I want to do.
I'm too fucking scared. I don't want to leave.
But maybe this will be better for me.
Sergeant M, he knows where I've been.
I think he can help me. Someone can.

I feel like a part of me died last night.
Nothing's going to make it any better.
I'm scared for life.

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 17:56:35 GMT

No so much has been going on with me.
I've just been so happy this month. I don't know what's going on with me.
My website/profile is finally finished. I've been getting a few responses.
Of course it's not anything I can do, but it's still nice to be interested in.
Pookie and I have been doing really good. I'm so happy about that.
I love him so, so much. I hope he knows that. I'd do anything I could for him.
I'm also checking up on my bills. I've been doing so good with that.
I hope some time soon, I won't have any more debt to pay off. I'm getting there.
My photographer is almost done with my pictures.
He's going to send them to me soon, with a modeling book.

Last week, was a stress free week. Finally. I couldn't believe it.
I've been keeping myself busy at home to not have to worry about anything.
I'm sewing my sister a blanket, reading Eclipse, and writing a book.
I think that's enough to keep me occupied for a while.

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:00:59 GMT

I've never had a good Valentines Day, until this year.
The 14th was probably the best day of my life, so far.
I got to do something I really wanted to do. I've been waiting so long.
Pookie and I drove up to Morton Grove, IL., for my photo shoot.
I'm so happy Pookie went with me; we got to spend the day together.
This is exactly want I've always wanted, and now I have it.
My photo shoot went really good. I couldn't believe it.
Pookie didn't get to watch everything, but I'm glad he got to see.
Now he knows what it's all about, and I hope he understands
that this is my dream. I really want to do this.
I would do anything it takes to become a great model.
I want to be famous. I want people to know who I am.
I'm going to do this. It's all going to happen. I just know it.

Besides the photo shoot, the rest of the day went well.
I got Pookie a Valentines gift. It was hilarious.
I got him candy, handcuff and a blindfold, and wiped cream. Ahahha.

Pookie also took me to Subway and brought me lunch.
It was nice just to be with him. Just the two of us. That's how I like it.
I have so much fun being with Pookie. Mostly when we're alone.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 05:24:20 GMT

It's past my bedtime, but I can't sleep. I've been awake in bed for so long.
I decided to come down and write in my LJ. And now I'm crying.

I've been so stressed out. Mostly because I can't think straight.
I feel like everything in my life, right now, is falling apart.
I was doing soo good when I first got my job.
I was able to keep up with my bills. I had everything paid on time.
Now, it's all gone down hill. I can't afford anything anymore.
I'm lucky if I pay one or two of my bills a month.
Now I'm trying to make more money on the side, modeling.
I don't even know if that's going to work out.
I have my first photo shoot coming up. It's going to determine it.
I just want all my financial problems to disappear.
I want to be back on track with all of that bullshit.
I'm so fucking sick of getting yelled out every pay check.
"Why didn't you turn your time sheets in?"
"Are you going to be able to pay you bills?"
"Do you expect me to help you out forever?"
I don't want to hear any of that fucking crap anymore.
And my financial problems aren't the only situation going on.
My sister's about to have a baby in a few months.
My sister used to be my best friend. I love her.
We just haven't been very close since she got engaged.
It's like her boyfriend had taken over her fucking life.
I'm so fucking sick of hearing about my sister and her fetus.
That's all my family talks about anymore.
They're all actually happy about it.
I know, if I were pregnant right now, it wouldn't be like that.
My mother's done soo much for my worthless sister.
My sister doesn't deserve anything.
She doesn't deserve to be pregnant and have a baby.
I'm not saying this just because I'm jealous, I mean it.
I just wish my sister wasn't so self absorbed.
She needs to realized we're still sisters, and talk to me.
OhMiGod. This whole modeling this is really getting to me.
I'm being very self conscious right now. I can't help it.
What if I'm not good enough to model? Not everyone is.
I have my own profile set up. I sent out a few emails today.
I'm just hoping something in my dull hectic life would work out.
I'm trapped in a fairy tale world, going nowhere in life.
If I could only see the future, would I be happy.
I worry about everything. I just can't help it.
It's just the type and kind of person I am. It's what I do!

Well, I'm off of here for now. I think I've done enough venting.
Thanks for actually listening to me.

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 18:01:12 GMT

I finally got a modeling profile.
I submitted my profile to about twenty auditions.

www.kristineich2.exploretalent.com

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 17:48:49 GMT

I think I finally got this, and I know it's going to work out this time.

I don't want to say I used P, but I kind of did.
I just wanted to know about modeling, and she gave me all the information.
P is the one who set me up with KE. She told me to email in about a photo shoot.
The only thing I didn't know, was P was just in this for the money.
I'm the one who's serious about this. I want to model!

I got my photo shoot coming up on Valentines Day.
I'm sooo fucking excited. I wish the day was here already.
It's going to be a loong drive, but it's soo worth it.

He's doing the photo shoot, and I get my pictures back.
This way I'll be able to show an agency the work I've done.
KE told me there's a few small agencies near me,
so I might not have to drive all the way to Chicago.

This is the best thing ever.
Everyone's telling me, not to get my hopes up.
I'm really not going to. I'm just hoping it works out.
I don't really expect too much out of this.
Right now I'm just going to do this for fun, and see where it takes me.

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 19:57:46 GMT

I'm having trouble living here. It makes me so depressed.
It sucks that I have no other option right now.
I can't move out any time soon. There's too much going on.
My job is amazing. I just don't have enough clients right now.
My work isn't even helping me get any new ones.
I have so many bills to pay, I can't even pay them all.
My grandfather has to help me pay my car insurance.
I have no money to go out and do anything.
I hate having to ask my grandmother for money now.
Now that I'm almost 20, I shouldn't have to ask for money.
I want to get out of this place I'm at.
I talked to this lady, that owns Bratton Ave. Apartments.
She said it was okay, and I could move in any time.
Well, the problem is, I don't think I'm ready.
In May I'm going to IVCC to get my CNA.
While I'm going to school, I'm not going to be working.
The class starts at 9 and it ends at 3. I won't have time to work.
There's no way I'll be able to afford anything.
I really don't know what I'm suppose to do.
I'm suck here; a place I don't want to be.
If I move out, my grandparents said they wouldn't help me.
So I guess that means I have no other option.

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:49:27 GMT

Tis The Season.

This was a really good year for me; one of the best ones yet.
Everything that has happened this year, well I didn't see it coming.
This has been a year full of surprises.

One thing I am most happy about, would have to be J.
I've always wondered why he randomly called me in January.
It doesn't really matter why, I'm just so glad he did.
We've had are ups and downs this year. Just like any relationship.
I'm so glad that he's part of my life.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

I've gone through a few jobs this year.
I know it took me awhile, but I finally found the right one.
I have an amazing job, and a nice car to be proud of.

I had a big wake up call when it came to my grandmother.
She ended up in the hospital in September.
I'll never forget what happened.
It's changed me as a person, mostly as a granddaughter.
My grandmother is my best friend. She means the world to me.

LC got married and I got to be part of it.
I know we're not as close as we were, but she means a lot to me.
Her and R getting married was something I seen coming,
just not everything that went into it.
It was the first wedding I've went to, it bypassed my expectations.

I got a call from a old friend. This was a big deal.
S called me when her times were bad.
I held out my hand and brought her back into my life.
And I sure did change her life for the better.

K ended up with something I, at one time, wanted.
She found out she was pregnant in September.
It's going to be a wonderful experience.
I get to be an aunt! I get the spoil the hell out of someone.

I graduated from high school this year. Finally!
After I was out of school for about a week, I decided on college.
It was a mistake I wish I could take back, but don't regret.

This was the first year out of many I talked to my father.
It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.
I've come to realize I love him, and I'm glad we talk.

It's been a long year. So much has happened.
I met some of the greatest people.
I went to some of the best parties.
I learned some of the greatest things.
I went to some of the greatest places.
I've done some of the worst things.

This is a year I will never forget.

As for next year, I just hope for the best.
I want my life to continue in this direction.

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 20:34:39 GMT

It happened last month. I haven't really told anyone.
I need to vent about it, because I'm still so upset.

A lot of people have noticed, I haven't been myself lately.
It has nothing to do with anyone else, just myself.

It was October 2nd, and I found out I was pregnant.
I took two tests that day, and they were both positive.
I didn't tell anyone. I knew everyone would be so upset with me.
That was the biggest mistake I've ever made.

On November 12th, I was really upset. I was scared.
I started getting bigger. I knew I had to tell someone.
S came home, and I showed her the two tests I took before.
She wasn't as upset as I thought she would be.
She was actually kind of happy.
It was then, I knew I had to tell my boyfriend.
This is something he needed to know.
J didn't seem pissed off at me. I mean, he shouldn't be anyways.
I thought he was kind of happy about it.
He started telling everyone, which I didn't want him to do.

It really upset me that my friends were happy about this.
Well, everyone but LC. She was furious. Ahaha. That's a whole different story.
It's not that I wanted people to be upset with me.
I did make me feel better that they were happy.
But I think they were a little to happy.
No body knew what was going on inside my head.

I have a big fear of having a miscarriage.
Having a miscarriage is probably the worst thing in the world.
I take medication. Medication that causes miscarriages or birth defects.
I never went off my medication when I found out I was pregnant.
In the back of my head, I knew I shouldn't be taking it.
I don't know why I continued to use it.

The next day, on November 13th, S and I went to the health department.
I knew I would need some help with bills and food.
I have a job, and so does J, but babies can be expensive.
The last thing I wanted to do was get help from the state.
I hate people that do that, but I'm such a hypocrite.

That night, I went to see my boyfriend. Everything was fine.
I knew having this baby would be a good thing for me.
Once I saw my boyfriend, my problems went away.
I was happy. I was excited. I felt hopeful.
I knew everything was going to go the way I wanted it to go.

That night, I had a lot on my mind.
Being with J makes me happy. I'm never depressed when we're together.
But I still couldn't stop thinking about shit.
J told me he told his mother I was pregnant.
Yah! Why?! I've always thought his mother hated me.
I don't know why, but she scares me. Ahhaha.
Since J told his mother, I decided to tell my grandma.
She would find out eventually. Once I started showing even more.
My grandma was upset. She worries about me so much.
She yelled. I cried. It was a fucking disaster.

November 14th, I went to the doctor.
I didn't tell anyone I was going. I didn't want people to know everything.
I had a sonogram. I was the most beautifulest thing I've ever seen.
The doctor told me I was 12 weeks pregnant.

Going to the doctor brought my hopes up.
I did tell the doctor I was on medication.
He told me to stop taking it. Which is hard for me.
When I'm not on my medication, I go fucking crazy.
I just didn't want to stop taking it. I'm such a fucking idiot.

The next week was really hard on me.
I felt really guilty for taking my medications.
I was having really bad thoughts about this.
I went off my medication that Monday.
I continued to not take it.

It was a rough week for me. Not being on any medication is hard.

This is the bad part.

On Friday, November 21st, I woke up and I was really sick.
I figured I was having morning sickness. It sucked.
I went to work and took some Tylenol.
My doctor said that medication was fine to take.
Anyways, I was at my first client of the day.
I felt like my stomach was going to explode.
I started freaking out. I was having a panic attack.
I started having trouble breathing.
This is really gross, but I could tell my pants were wet.
I went to he bathroom, and I was bleeding.
I told my client I was sick and had to leave.

I came home and went straight to the bathroom.
I knew what was going to happen. I just sat there waiting.
Then about 15 minutes later I had this blood clot looking thing come out.
It hurt like a mother fucker. I thought I was going to die. Seriously.

I then went to see if S was home. Thank God she was.
I told her what was happening to me.
I started crying. I then texted my boyfriend the story.
I didn't want to go back to work, but I didn't want anyone to know.

Work sucked. I had to tell my clients what happened.
I cried so much. I don't think I've ever cried that much in my life.

After work I decided to go to the ER, which I should have done in the first place.
I was in the ER for 4 fucking hours. It was horrible.
I had a miscarriage. I couldn't fucking believe it.

It's been about 3 weeks since it's happened and I'm still upset.
I don't talk to anyone about this. I don't want to bother anyone.
But I really need someone to talk to.
It's killing me inside.
This is all my fault.
I will never forgive myself.

Sun, 14 Dec 2008 19:31:53 GMT

Last time I updated, over a month ago, I said I was doing really good.
I guess my happiness doesn't last that long. Too much shit has been going on.

I'm having really bad financial problems. It's my fault. I can't help myself.
I try not to spend money, but I'm too impulsive.
S, has been telling me not to buy anything.
I don't carry my check book and credit cards with me anymore.
It sucks to say, but I'm in debt. It's not that bad though, but it's bad enough for me.

I owe so much money on credit cards, it's ridicules.
I have no money to pay any of my bills off.
I have four fucking credit cards that are maxed out.
I'm so thankful my grandpa has been paying my car insurance for me.

When I first got this job I have, I didn't think I would have any problems with money.
I wasn't thinking when I spent all of my money. It's like my mind wasn't there.

I need four hundred dollars by the end of next week.
I have no idea who I can borrow that much money from.
I don't want my name to go into the collection agency.

On other note, my sister K is pregnant.
When she first told me I was really upset.
All the times, when I told her I was pregnant, she got pissed off.
When K told me, she expected me to be happy.
Her and her fiance aren't doing to good right now.
It puts a lot of stress on me, worrying about them.

Life has been a bumpy road. I'm trying my hardest to survive.

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 16:25:19 GMT

A lot of shit has been going on. It's all really good though.
I'm actually starting to feel really happy with my life.

My boyfriend and I are doing wonderful. I couldn't be more happy with him.
Since I've been getting money, I've brought him a few gifts.
I just want to show him how much I care about him. How much I love him.
Yesterday, I went to AT&T and brought him a new phone to add to my plan.
Hahha. I hope he realizes that's a big commitment. It's for 24 months.
I love my boyfriend, more than anyone else in my life.
I don't know what I'd do without him.

My friend, S moved in with me. Well, at my grandparents house.
I wasn't too sure how things would be, but it's going really good.
I want her to be her old self again. The S that didn't do drugs and drink every night.
We've all thought about it, and know I'm the right person to help her.
Last summer we were best friends, and we're getting there again.

I brought an x-box 360. I'm obsessed with it. I love Gears of War 2.
Whenever I have time, I'm playing. It's my new addiction.

My grandma's doing so much better. It's actually bothering me.
She's starting to be herself again. Damn. Now I'm always in trouble.

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 18:06:51 GMT

Lately, I've been feeling really depressed.
It might be because I haven't taken my medicine all week.

For some reason I'm really stressed out.

Have you ever thought you loved someone
more than they could ever love you?

That's exactly how I feel right now.
I'm not sure what's making me feel this way.
I've really thought my JT and I were doing good together.
Well, I'd like to say we are. We are.
I don't understand how I could be so depressed about it.

I love my boyfriend so much. More than anything.
I'm so paranoid right now.
I don't want anything to go wrong, but I'm expecting it to.
I hate sitting here thinking like this.
I don't know how to get this shit out of my mind.

I've been in a lot of relationships and they never work out.
I'm in too deep right now and I don't want to get out.
I love where I am right now. I want to stay.

I just want someone to love me as much as I love them.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:04:38 GMT

Date: September 21, 2008
Time: 12:10 PM
I'm sitting in the emergency room, waiting to see my grandma. Something's wrong.
I woke up this morning to go to work, it was about 7:00. I couldn't wake my grandma up.
I was freaking out. I shook her and screamed to try to wake her up. I couldn't get her to respond.
I went to lay in bed with her to see if she was okay. Nothing happened. I went to church,
figuring she'd wake up by the time I got home. But once again, I got no response.
I started crying and didn't know what to do. I quickly called my, Aunt Jodene. She rushed over.
My aunt couldn't wake her up either. We called 911. They came right away.
We found out, she wasn't breathing. They lifted her onto the board and carried her into the ambulance.
They finally got her breathing and rushed her to the emergency room.
My aunt and I, then we to Seattle Sutton to find my grandpa. We all met at the emergency room.
My mother came too. We're sitting here, waiting to see her. That's where I am now. Waiting.
Time: 12:26 PM
The doctor came and let me in. I can see my grandma. She's wrapped in blankets. She's so cold.
I'm crying. I don't know what I'm suppose to do. My aunt's with me. I need her right now.
I'm glad she's with me, because I can't get ahold of anyone. Nobody's answering their phones.
I need to go home and get my grandma's cell phone, it has everyones number.
Time: 1:46 PM
My grandma got a CAT Scan. Now she's headed off to Peoria, to St. Francis.
I'm sitting in the back seat of my grandpa's car. I'm with my sister and her fiance,
and my Aunt Jodene and grandpa. I'm still crying. I don't know what I'm going to do
without my grandma. She's my everything, my whole life. I love her so much.
Time: 4:47 PM
I'm in the ICU waiting room. I got to see my grandma, but it was hard to look at her.
She's not able to breathe on her own, so she has a ventilator down her throat.
She's now sleeping. I feel like shit. My sister and her fiance and my aunt are working on a puzzle.
I don't know how they can do it. I can't think about anything but my grandma. I want her to be okay.
Time: 8:13 PM
The doctors had run some tests on my grandma. It's hard to do much,
because it's Sunday and not many of the doctors are here. They took some pictures of her heart.
We found out she had a major heart-attack. That's probably why I couldn't wake her up this morning.
We don't actually know what caused the heart-attack yet. Tomorrow when the doctors get in,
they're going to run a few more tests on her heart. We're going to leave now.
My grandpa won't let me spend the night here. I don't want to leave her by herself.
I know she wouldn't do that to me.

Date: September 22, 2008
Time: 10:43 AM
I don't think I'm going to be writing a lot today. I'm not feeling too good. I got no sleep.
This morning, we found out my grandma has a blocked artery.
She's getting ready to go into surgery right now. They said it should take about 40 minutes.
I'm sitting in the surgery waiting room, down stairs. I'm praying and I know this will be okay.

Date: September 23, 2008
Time:12:08 PM
I went to work this morning. I only had one client, so it didn't take too long.
We're all leaving a little later than we thought we would.
Time: 2:49 PM
I'm sitting in the waiting room, while my mother and grandpa visit my grandma.
We're only aloud two people in the room at a time. My aunt is now my side-kick.
Time: 3:24 PM
My grandma looks like she's doing a lot better. She can't talk.
She still has to use the ventilator to breathe. She's awake and uses paper to communicate.
I hate seeing her like this, but I know she's in a good place. These people have been
taking good care of her. I trust them. I just can't wait till she comes home.
Time: 6:32 PM
I'm sitting in the ICU waiting room again. My grandma's sleeping.
I won't be able to see her for a few days. I have to go to work.
I know my grandma's probably worried about that. She'd want me to go.
My aunt and grandpa are still going to come everyday to see her.
I'll be able to get updated by them.

Date: September 26, 2008
Time: 4:15 PM
I haven't seen my grandma since Tuesday. I miss her so much. I just want her with me.
Things are definitely going to change once she gets home. I'm going to be a better granddaughter.
I'm at my great-grandpa's house right now. I hate being home alone.
I found out today, my grandma has phenomena. It's getting a lot better.

Date: September 27, 2008
Time: 11:27 PM
My uncle came in today. I haven't seen him in years. I know my grandma will be happy to see him.
My grandpa gets off of work soon, then we're going to leave to Peoria. Thank God my uncle's driving.
Time: 3:28 PM
I'm sitting in the waiting room. They don't let us in the rooms between the hours of 3 and 4.
We called the doctor this morning. She's off the ventilator. She's doing a lot better.
Time: 7:12 PM
My grandma's freaking me out. I'm crying. I don't know what's going on.
She's acting really weird. She's seeing things and talking about fucked up shit.
The nurse said she's just really tired. I hope that's what it is.
She's hasn't slept all day. She's been waiting for us to get here.
I hate seeing her this way. I just want her back to normal.
I want my grandma back.

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:14:59 GMT

I already wrote about how I had to go to the doctor.
Well, last week, I went to the doctor. I was so scared.
I had a big problem. I took a test and it said I was pregnant.
Bad news.
It was last Sunday, I started my period. I was bleeding a lot.
I had these really bad cramps. I couldn't even stand up.
I was so sick. I took so many pills to calm myself down.
This is really gross, but I started having clots come out.
It hurt so bad. I've never been in so much pain.
And that's when I realized I was having a miscarriage.
I went to the doctor Thursday.
They had to do some blood tests to make sure I'm okay.
And even though I was on my period they still checked.
I have to go back this week and get my blood taken again.

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 16:00:06 GMT

They called it off. No more divorce! =]

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 15:58:15 GMT

I don't know if what I'm about to say if good or bad news.
I guess for some people, it's bad news. But I believe it's good.
I decided to make a big decision. I want to talk to my dad again.
He hasn't been a part of my life in years. (Since I was seven.)
We had a lot of problems with him. He was very abusive to me.
(Psychically, emotionally and mentally.)
But I really want to give him another change. I believe he deserves it.
I sent him a letter in the mail, a few weeks ago. I guess it was mean.
When I look back and think about it, I guess it was.
I wasn't trying to be mean. I just wanted to let him know how I felt.
He didn't reply to me letter. I guess he was really upset about it.
He ended up calling my mom. He cried on my phone, thinking I hate him.
To me, that shows me, he's changed. He's different now. I know.
So, I sent him another letter in the mail. I apologized.
He texted me the day he got my letter. He told me it's not my fault.
He let me know, that this is his fault. This isn't the way it should be.
And that's right. I shouldn't have to be so far away from my dad.
I want him to be part of my life now. And he wants the same.
I think this is all good news. He wants to be my dad.
I couldn't ask for anything better.